Scripture, Study, Global Warming, Marriage, Farming and a Pun
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven…)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”
“I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong - highlighting with a black magic marker.”
-Jeff Altman
This global warming thing is getting out of hand. Earlier today I saw a bird using a pot holder to pull a worm out of the ground…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
(Yee Ha!)
Two farmers, Chad and Jon, were trying to decide who had the better life. They compared wives, cattle, and beer, and couldn’t decide.
Finally, the Chad pulled out his trump card: “Why, when I drive across my farm, it takes me three days!”
Jon scratches his head, then says, “Yeah man, that’s too bad. I had a truck like that once too.”
Pun Alert! You’ve been warned:
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation’s economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a
fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
– By Stan Kegel
Until next time, keep it between the white lines.