Mother-in-law, Navy Sex, and bad puns
Question to keep you up at night:
Is it a good thing if a vacuum really sucks?
(Here’s one I haven’t heard in a while…)
A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long” he says. “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not poop in the vegetable garden again either!”
Pun Alert:
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking…
My doctor told me I have a bad case of hypochondria. Thankfully, he wrote me a prescription for this stuff called Placebo. So far, it seems to have helped. But you never know . . .
–David Reihmer
Ok, as long as we’re doing puns, here’s one from Tim Bruening:
Why did the chicken cross the cow?
To get to the udder side.
Tap Dancer:
This one’s for my Navy buddies:
Three Navy Officers are standing around talking when an Ensign said, “I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.”
The Lieutenant responded by saying, “No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.”
Then the Captain says, “No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work.”
They are all contemplating these revelations when a third class Petty Officer walks by. The officers call him over to ask his opinion.
The Captain says, “Excuse me, Petty Officer, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Ensign says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Lieutenant says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work.
Petty Officer, what is your opinion?”
The Petty Officer smiles and says, “Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted men doing it for you.”
Parting Shot:
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke, and turns to the ostrich and says, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,”
says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $14.64.”
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
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